A Not-so-proud Mama Moment!
The past few days have brought up some real deep shit for me. Triggered by someone I love who was never emotionally available to me. A lot of anger, resentment, sadness and grief came to the surface. Stuff that I thought I had released, healed, and even forgiven them for. I was pissed that I was triggered!
I internalized a conversation that I had on Saturday and then proceeded to get real busy and distracted with the garden and deck along with a complete gut, purge, and reorganize of my basement. I was edgy, angry and irritated with everyone around me and even ended up in tears a couple of times.
Today I did some art making self reflection around the Saturday conversation and took a deeper look at what was not sitting right with me and circled back to what was coming up to the surface. I took a closer look at myself as I began to unpack and process and cry and put it to words.
I had a long talk with my beloved partner and love and made sense of it. I was able to step back and observe myself as the emotions around past traumas came flooding to my consciousness.
I see myself today and know deeply that I am all that I need and that I have so much love and support around me. I have joy and peace and stability in my life. And to do this deep shadow work means that triggers will happen and I will be tested.
I was a shitty person to my family this weekend. I will speak from my heart to them and ask them for forgiveness. It’s okay that I was feeling the feels but it is not okay that I took it out on the people that I love the most. The pain of my past still resides within me and I am unsure if any of it will ever go away completely.
What I DO know is that I AM ENOUGH and I AM WORTHY of everything good. I have the life that as a child I never really thought existed and I am grateful for every single second of it!
From my heart to yours, please reflect on the things that bring up fear and pain within you. Trace it to where it stems from. Unpack and process with self or a trusted loved one or professional and heal! Heal so you can enjoy what you have.